Dr. Kenneth Barish, a professor of clinical psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College, said the decline in extended family involvement is contributing to what the U.S. Surgeon General describes as an ongoing crisis in child and adolescent mental health.
“We did not evolve to raise our children with little of the extended family and community support that most American parents receive today,” says Dr. Barish, a fellow of the American Psychological Association. “Children need grandparents and always will.”
In his new book, The art and science of parenting and grandparentingDr. Barish draws on 40 years of clinical experience, as well as insights from neuroscience, child development research, and educational programs, to argue that grandparents can play a meaningful role in helping families navigate today’s parenting challenges.
Why purpose is important for children’s well-being
According to Dr. Barish, grandparents can help counter the cultural trend that increasingly values individual achievement over community and connection.
“For decades, America has become a me-not-us society,” he explains. “In many families and communities, a focus on individual achievement has undermined the values of kindness and compassion in the lives of our children.”
Research has shown that intense achievement pressure is associated with higher rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse, especially in affluent communities. Dr. Barish argues that children need a stronger sense of purpose beyond personal accomplishment.
“Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, and comes at a high cost in anxiety and stress,” Dr. Barish writes. “Helping others promotes greater balance in children’s mental lives.”
Evidence reviewed by psychologist Jane Piriavin shows that helping others can lead to higher self-esteem, lower rates of depression, lower rates of dropping out of school, improved immune function, and even a longer lifespan.
To promote these benefits, Dr. Barish recommends volunteering as a family and speaking regularly with your children about kindness, empathy, and understanding other people’s feelings and needs from an early age.
He explains: “These conversations strengthen a child’s sense of meaning and purpose, and are just as important, if not more important, than making sure the child has done their homework or correcting their mistakes.”
How grandparents support their children’s mental health
Dr. Barish says grandparents provide more than practical support to parents. They also provide what he describes as “molecules of emotional health,” small but meaningful moments of encouragement, attention, and understanding that help strengthen children’s “emotional immune systems.”
“A child’s confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best defense against the emotional pathogens they experience throughout childhood,” Dr. Barish explains.
He also emphasizes the importance of playing, sharing fun, and showing genuine enthusiasm for children’s interests and goals. These positive interactions help build emotional resilience and strengthen family relationships.
The hidden harm of excessive criticism
One of the most common parenting challenges Dr. Barish encounters is not too much praise, but too much criticism.
In his clinical research, he found that well-meaning family members often underestimate the negative effects of frequent criticism.
“The most common problem I see working with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism,” says Dr. Barish.
“Criticism does not motivate children to try harder. On the contrary, frequent criticism breeds resentment and rebelliousness, undermining children’s initiative and effort.”
At the same time, he points out that not all praise is equally beneficial. Citing Carol Dweck’s concept of a “growth mindset,” he encourages adults to focus on and praise effort and learning rather than innate abilities.
“Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades.”
Build trust through conversation
Dr. Barish acknowledges that parenting often involves dealing with difficult behaviors. In his book, he outlines 21 principles designed to foster collaboration, based on both scientific research and decades of clinical experience.
His recommendations include involving children in collaborative problem-solving and giving them a chance to “reset,” an approach he believes is more effective than punishment.
Ultimately, Dr. Barish argues that helping children thrive is less about teaching them specific skills and more about fostering emotional strength, self-confidence, and meaningful relationships.
Dr. Barish says, “Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching them skills than having conversations, about learning how to deal with painful emotions rather than about getting rewards, and about building their inner self rather than paving the way to success. “It’s about strengthening self-confidence and pride in becoming a child, so children work harder, bounce back faster, show more compassion and kindness to others, and pursue their interests with more enthusiasm, dedication, and purpose.”
