With more than 40% of American teens reporting ongoing feelings of sadness and hopelessness, leading child psychologists say grandparents and extended family members have an important role to play.
Dr. Kenneth Barish, a professor of clinical psychology at Weill Cornell Medical College, argues that the loss of extended family support is contributing to what the U.S. Surgeon General calls a long-term crisis in the mental health of children and adolescents.
We did not evolve to raise our children with little extended family and community support, as most American parents do today. Children need grandparents and always will. ”
Dr. Kenneth Barish, Fellow of the American Psychological Association
In his new book, The art and science of parenting and grandparentingLooking back on 40 years of clinical research, combined with insights from neuroscience, child development research, and child education programs, Dr. Barish argues that grandparents can solve the challenges of modern parenting.
Raise children with purpose
Grandparents play an important role in addressing what Dr. Barish identifies as recent societal changes.
“For decades, America has become a me-not-us society,” he explains. “In many families and communities, a focus on individual achievement has undermined the values of kindness and compassion in the lives of our children.”
Research shows that in affluent communities, intense pressure to achieve leads to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and substance abuse. Dr. Barish believes that helping children develop a sense of purpose beyond personal success is the antidote.
“Individual achievement alone is a fragile source of motivation and effort, and comes at a high cost in anxiety and stress,” Dr. Barish writes. “Helping others promotes greater balance in children’s mental lives.”
For example, research reviewed by psychologist Jane Piriavin found that helping others is associated with higher self-esteem, less depression, lower dropout rates, better immune function, and longer lifespans.
Dr. Barish recommends volunteering together from an early age and having frequent family conversations about the importance of kindness and understanding the needs and feelings of others.
He explains: “These conversations strengthen a child’s sense of meaning and purpose, and are just as important, if not more important, than making sure the child has done their homework or correcting their mistakes.”
Grandparents’ role
Grandparents not only provide support to parents, but they also provide what Dr. Barish calls “molecules of emotional health,” moments of listening and encouragement that strengthen a child’s “emotional immune system.”
“A child’s confident expectation that someone will listen and understand is the best defense against the emotional pathogens they experience throughout childhood,” Dr. Barish explains.
Other practical ways grandparents can help include creating moments of play and fun that foster positive emotions and showing enthusiasm for the child’s interests and goals.
too much criticism
In a study that challenges conventional wisdom, Dr. Barish reports that the most common problem in his clinical work is not over-praising children, but unintentional criticism from well-meaning family members.
“The most common problem I see working with families is not too much praise, but too much criticism,” says Dr. Barish.
“Criticism does not motivate children to try harder. On the contrary, frequent criticism breeds resentment and rebelliousness, undermining children’s initiative and effort.”
But not all praise is helpful. Dr. Barish cites Carol Dweck’s concept of a “growth mindset,” distinguishing between praise that fosters resilience and praise that creates vulnerability, and says, “Praise effort, not intelligence or talent. Praise learning, not grades.”
Dr. Barish acknowledges that children can exhibit challenging behaviors and, based on both research and clinical insight, suggests 21 rules for promoting cooperative behavior in children. These include engaging children in collaborative problem-solving conversations and providing opportunities to “reset,” which he suggests is more effective than punishment.
Dr. Barish says, “Helping our children and grandchildren succeed in life is less about teaching them skills than having conversations, about learning how to deal with painful emotions rather than about getting rewards, and about building their inner self rather than paving the way to success. “It’s about strengthening self-confidence and pride in becoming a child, so children work harder, bounce back faster, show more compassion and kindness to others, and pursue their interests with more enthusiasm, dedication, and purpose.”
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Reference magazines:
Barish, K. (2026). The art and science of parenting and grandparenting. DOI: 10.4324/9781003476245. https://www.taylorfrancis.com/books/mono/10.4324/9781003476245/art-science-parenting-grandparenting-kenneth-barish
