New research published in Sex & Couple Therapy Journal It suggests that how a romantic relationship ends influences the subsequent emotional well-being of both partners. Specifically, this study shows that providing a sense of understanding and respect to your partner during a breakup tends to promote positive mood and feelings of being alive afterwards. These findings provide evidence that the communication strategies used during relationship dissolution can meaningfully shape the emotional recovery process.
Although the end of a romantic relationship commonly results in significant emotional distress, scientists have done little research into how people soften this emotional blow during the breakup conversation itself. Psychologists have recognized that during difficult interactions, using autonomy-supporting techniques tends to reduce defensiveness and promote understanding. Supporting autonomy includes recognizing the other person’s emotions, using non-dominant language, providing meaningful reasons for decisions, and allowing the person to feel a sense of choice.
In a functional relationship, partners typically share a genuine desire to maintain a bond and support each other’s needs. A breakup interrupts this interaction and often results in the person initiating the breakup assuming a new position of authority. The researchers designed the study to see if maintaining supportive communication techniques can act as an emotional buffer during this difficult transition.
“There’s been a lot of research into breakup characteristics that predict distress and well-being, such as gender, length of relationship, continued contact with the ex-partner, or the role and use of technology in breakup practices. But I think what was missing was an actual script,” explains study lead author Erin McClung, a doctoral candidate at the University of Ottawa, who was supervised by Selena Corsini-Mundt, associate professor and director of human relations at the University of Ottawa. Couple Health (REACH) Lab
“What do you do when you want to break up with a romantic partner? How can you let them down more easily? Previous research has shown that using autonomy-supporting techniques reduces defensive reactions and promotes better understanding in difficult interpersonal situations, such as disagreements.”
However, it was unclear whether using these same techniques, typically when one party makes a unilateral decision to end a relationship, would be associated with better emotional and psychological outcomes for the breakup.
“Autonomy support is an interpersonal style, and when people are autonomy supportive, they typically act in ways that foster a sense of choice and help the other person feel validated. So we decided to focus on autonomy support during breakups,” McClung continued.
“For us, supporting autonomy during a breakup, from the initiator’s perspective, looks like (1) providing an honest, non-controlling rationale for the reason for the breakup, (2) allowing the recipient to process the news in their own time and manner, and (3) taking the time to understand and non-judgmentally respond to the recipient’s perspective on the relationship and breakup.”
To investigate this, scientists recruited young people who had experienced a relationship breakup within the past 12 months. They filtered initial responses to remove incomplete surveys or instances where participants failed an attention check. The final sample consisted of 362 participants, the majority of whom were young, White, cisgender, heterosexual women attending a Canadian university.
On average, participants were approximately 19 years old and had been in a relationship for just over a year. The average time since breaking up is about two and a half months. Most participants said they were the ones who ended the relationship, and the sample was almost evenly split between in-person and virtual breakups.
Participants completed several standardized questionnaires to assess their emotional state and the nature of the breakup. To measure psychological well-being, scientists used scales that assessed depression, anxiety, positive mood, negative mood, and subjective vitality. Subjective vitality refers to a specific mental state in which you feel full of energy and fully alive.
The researchers also collected precise details about the breakup conversation itself. Participants answered questions regarding the level of autonomy support during the breakup. Depending on who ended the relationship, participants reported either their own supportive behavior or the behavior of the person they broke up with.
This analysis revealed how relationship dissolution affects mental health. Researchers found that greater autonomy support during a breakup was associated with more positive mood and higher subjective vitality. This association holds true regardless of whether the participants initiated the breakup or accepted the breakup. When the person in charge gives an honest reason for the separation and listens to the ex-partner’s perspective, it seems easier for both parties to move on.
“We found that increased support for the breakup party’s autonomy led to more positive mood and subjective vitality for both the breakup party and the breakup recipient,” McClung told SciPost. “Maybe providing independence support during a breakup shows some respect for the original relationship and provides closure for both the breakup and the breakup.”
Surprisingly, autonomy support was not associated with measurable reductions in psychological distress. Supportive and respectful communication during a breakup did not reduce symptoms of depression, anxiety, or negative mood.
“In other words, using autonomy-supporting techniques is not necessarily associated with reduced psychological distress, but it is associated with increased positive mood and energy,” Corsini-Mundt explained. “It may be easier to move on despite the pain. For example, knowing why your partner ended the relationship may not make it any less hurtful, but at least knowing their reason and having a chance to talk about it can help you pick up the pieces and move on without wondering ‘why?'” and working through “what if” scenarios. ”
Scientists also looked at other variables associated with the breakup experience. They found that maintaining ongoing contact with an ex-partner was associated with increased levels of anxiety and depression. Continued contact can make it more difficult to process the loss or reopen emotional wounds caused by the separation.
Furthermore, the data suggest that there are significant differences between men and women in their emotional states after a breakup. Men in the sample reported higher positive mood, lower negative mood, and less anxiety than women. The researchers suggest that men may be socialized to show more resilience in the face of romantic rejection, or that they may simply be less likely to report feelings of distress.
Finally, the scientists noted that the specific method of breaking up doesn’t seem to have a significant effect on subsequent psychological well-being. Participants did not differ in their level of distress whether they ended their relationship in person or virtually. The amount of time since the breakup also did not have a strong correlation with participants’ current emotional state.
Although these findings provide useful insights, readers should be aware of several potential misconceptions and limitations. This study relies on a retrospective cross-sectional design, where participants recall past events at a single point in time. This type of research cannot prove that autonomy support directly causes improvements in mood, and the results may be influenced by a person’s biased memory of the event.
“I think it’s important to remember that our data comes from what people share with us,” Corsini-Mundt said. “Not everyone feels in a position to support independence during a breakup, or it may not be practical to apply all aspects of supporting independence.”
Sample characteristics also limit how broadly these findings can be applied. Participants were primarily female undergraduate students who had previously been in relationships for a relatively short period of time. It remains unclear whether similar emotional patterns emerge in older adults or in individuals who have ended legal marriage.
Future research could address these gaps by examining more established relationships and recruiting evenly distributed groups with different genders and backgrounds. Scientists can also follow couples over time to see how certain independence-supporting behaviors affect emotional recovery over time.
Building on these initial findings, scientists are now investigating a broader range of methods that people use to navigate these difficult conversations. “We are working on a second paper from this study that qualitatively assesses perceptions of breakup strategies and their impact on well-being,” McClung and Corsini-Mundt explained. “However, this does not touch on the issue of self-reliance support, but we hope it provides a little more insight into current breakup practices and how they are experienced.”
The study, “Don’t Break My Heart: A Retrospective Cross-Sectional Study Examining Autonomy Support while Romantic Relationship Dissolutions,” was authored by Erin McClung, Ryan Pekoa, Elisa Stragapido, Paola Michelle García Mairena, and Selena Corsini-Mundt.
