You’re trying to get noticed in a crowded dating market. But as new research shows, the very strategies that attract attention can be the very things that keep love away.
When my daughter was a teenager, she uploaded a photo of herself in a skimpy swimsuit to social media. This is something that many teenagers do. My parental instincts kicked in and I asked her to take it down. My concerns weren’t just about the wrong kind of attention (or predatory viewers). It was also about the message that photo sent when she knew she had so much more to offer. “This is what I’m selling.”
I shared this concern with a friend and expected support. Instead, he looked at me like I was overreacting. “She’s attractive and that’s part of how she gets people’s attention,” my friend said. “Why not use it? Once she gets the attention she wants, she can reveal deeper, more sophisticated parts of herself.”
Dating app users face the same dilemma every day.
On the one hand, they want to stand out in the competitive dating market. With sexy photos, you can do that right away. After all, photos are the gatekeepers on dating apps1: If someone’s profile picture doesn’t catch your eye, you’ll almost automatically swipe left. You may not even understand their personality.
On the other hand, the same strategy can have unintended consequences.
- Targeting: Potential partners may see you as a means to fulfill their fantasies, rather than someone with your own thoughts and desires.
- Ability bias: They think all you have to offer is a sexy body, and they may perceive you to be less intelligent or attractive than you actually are.
- “Short term” trap: They may think you are not “marriage-worthy.” It’s because all you want is sex, or because you’re “fun for now” but don’t think you’re the kind of person to take home with your mom.
So who is right? Is it my defensive instinct or my friend’s logic?
We decided to find out. Three new studies2 tested whether your sexual profile influences how people view you. And importantly, why and when Sexual orientation can be counterproductive. After seeing this result, you might have to think twice before posting your next selfie, especially if you’re looking for more than just attention (or just sex).
This is what we found.
First Study: Does Sexual Profile Kill Relationship Attraction?
First, we needed to establish the basics. We showed single participants dating profiles that were either sexual (revealing clothing, flirty poses or facial expressions) or non-sexual (modest clothing, natural poses or facial expressions).
We matched the glamor, lighting, and angle of the photos, so the only difference was the sexual presentation itself.
After viewing a profile, participants rated how they viewed the profile owner. For example, the extent to which they are seen as a “person” rather than a sexual object, whether they seem like a good long-term partner, and what kind of relationship they seem to be seeking. We also asked if they themselves were interested in a long-term relationship with that person.
The results were clear. Sexual profiles were judged more negatively and interest in long-term relationships was significantly reduced. Participants may have been interested in seeing, but not in staying.
However, there were important limitations. Because the sexual and non-sexual profiles feature different people, a more powerful test was needed to rule out the possibility that participants were responding to a specific person rather than the sexual object itself.
Second study: Why people with sexual profiles have less long-term interest
we needed to know why This happens.
To test this, we went beyond static images. Participants are same person In both sexual and non-sexual versions. This was important because people aren’t just responding to faces, attractiveness, or “vibes.” They were primarily responding to how the person expressed themselves.
We found that people with sexual profiles were seen as less suitable as long-term partners, which helped explain why participants were less interested in meaningful relationships with them.
Third study: Can your background buffer the negative effects of your sexual profile?
Finally, we tested whether we could get the best of both worlds. Can sexy photos be balanced by a more human history that shows consideration for others?
Participants viewed profiles that differed in both their photos (sexual or non-sexual) and written descriptions (commonality or neutrality). Let’s test this to see if conveying the nature and depth of caring can alleviate the negative assumptions that sexual photos sometimes evoke.
For example, “community” (or caring) self-descriptions included statements such as:
“I love meeting friends, walking on the beach at sunset, volunteering with the elderly, and helping out each week.”
Neutral self-descriptions included statements such as:
“I like the beach, going to parties and just enjoying life.”
What did we find?
The meaning of a sexy photo depends on the rest of your profile and who is reviewing it.
for man looking at woman’s profilethe warm bio was reassuring. It showed that behind the sexy photos there was someone with whom they could form a real partnership.
for Woman viewing man’s profileHowever, that can backfire.
Women usually have more to lose when they make bad dating decisions. 3 Women didn’t buy when they saw a shirtless man with a sexual photo and a sensitive biography about “elderly volunteers.” It may feel like mixed signals. The discrepancy led them to doubt his true intentions.
takeout
Looking back, I still understand what my friend meant. In a crowded dating market, people take advantage of things that get attention. But our research shows that gaining attention is just the beginning. What happens next depends on how people interpret your overall profile, and whether it makes you look like a physical person or a whole person.
Presenting yourself as purely sexy can ruin your chances of attracting a long-term partner. Even if you gain instant attention, you may lose the opportunity to be seen for who you are.
You don’t have to dress sexy to be liked (save that for when you actually get to know each other). The goal is not to be less sexy. The first step is to express everything about yourself.
References:
- Van der Zanden, T., Mos, M. B., Shouten, A. P., and Krahmer, E. J. (2022). What people see in multimodal online dating profiles: How pictorial and textual cues influence impression formation. communication studies, 49(6), 863-890.
- Birnbaum, G.E., Zoltak, K., and Reis, H.T. (2026). Selling yourself: How sexualized online dating profiles influence audience perceptions and relationship intentions. Cyberpsychology: Journal of Psychosocial Research on Cyberspace, 20(2), Article 3. https://doi.org/10.5817/CP2026-2-3
- Walter, KV, Conroy-Beam, D., Buss, DM, Asao, K., Sorokowska, A., Sorokowski, P., … Zupančič, M. (2020). Gender differences in mate preferences in 45 countries: A large-scale replication. psychological science, 31(4), 408-423.
