New research published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin It suggests that people always underestimate how much influence they have over their lovers and friends. This misperception tends to be stronger for people who are highly focused on protecting themselves and maintaining control, providing evidence that personal insecurities shape the way we view our intimate relationships. By recognizing this hidden influence, individuals may find healthier ways to communicate and resolve conflicts with loved ones.
In psychological research, power is defined as the perceived ability to guide mutual decisions and meet personal needs rather than simply controlling others. Previous research has shown that people who feel powerless often hide their true needs, have a decreased overall sense of well-being, and sometimes act aggressively to regain a sense of control.
Until now, it was unclear whether these negative outcomes were due to people actually lacking influence or because they falsely believed they were powerless. The researchers wanted to test the idea that individuals may systematically underestimate their power to avoid making major social mistakes. This concept is based on error management theory, which argues that the human brain has evolved to make safer errors rather than dangerous ones.
According to this theory, overestimating one’s power is a very harmful social mistake that can lead to selfish behavior and ultimately the breakdown of relationships. Underestimating power promotes cooperation and maintaining consistent relationships, which is a safer evolutionary strategy. Scientists wanted to see if this protective bias actually exists in modern friendships and romantic partnerships.
“We wondered whether people could accurately assess their level of power in intimate relationships. In the context of relationships, power refers to the ability to influence a partner to realize one’s needs, desires, and goals. But how much influence do people actually have? Only partners can report how much power they have over their partner. So we used advanced data analysis to find out whether people can accurately judge how much power they have over their partner,” said study author Robert Kellner from the Department of Psychology at the University of Bamberg.
The scientists analyzed data from four different samples containing a total of 1,304 dyads (sets of pairs of two people). The sample included 305 German friendship pairs, 87 German same-sex romantic couples, 481 German male-female couples, and 431 New Zealand male-female couples. All participants were adults, and the couples had been together for a range of years, from one month to several decades.
Participants completed a detailed survey completely independent of their partner or friend. They rated their own perceived ability to influence their partner’s opinions and decisions, which served as a measure of their own perceived power. At exactly the same time, partners reported the extent to which they were actually influenced by the participant, serving as a baseline indicator of actual power in the relationship.
The researchers compared participants’ self-reported power to their partners’ reports using a statistical approach called the truth-and-bias model. This mathematical method allowed scientists to see whether people accurately track their relative influence while remaining systematically wrong about their absolute levels of power. We also measured estimated similarity, or the tendency to believe that your partner has exactly the same powers as you.
The data revealed that across all four samples, people consistently underestimated their power. Even though participants were able to accurately judge whether they had more or less power compared to other people in the study, their overall ratings of their own influence were objectively lower than what their partners actually reported. Participants also showed high assumed similarity. This means that we naturally assume that influence is shared equally even when it is not.
In heterosexual couples, men underestimated their power far more than women. Men also underestimated their influence far more in romantic relationships than in platonic friendships. Scientists suggest that this gender difference may arise because traditional social expectations place greater pressure on men to maintain and demonstrate continued authority.
This social pressure can make men highly sensitive to a lack of control when relying on a female partner. After establishing a general tendency to underestimate power, the researchers analyzed survey data to see whether specific psychological motives predicted the severity of this bias. The researchers divided the participants’ personality traits into three main categories: self-preservation, power, and relationship-promoting motives.
Self-protective motives include traits such as attachment anxiety, low self-esteem, and general relationship jealousy. People with these particular traits are highly sensitive to social rejection and often worry that their emotional needs will be ignored by their partner. The data showed that people high in self-protection motivation underestimated their power much more than secure people.
The power motive involves a strong desire for control and autonomy and is often found in traits such as attachment avoidance and psychopathy. Attachment avoidance refers to people who try to minimize their emotional dependence on others to avoid feeling trapped or weak. Psychopathy in this context refers to a personality trait characterized by low empathy and a tendency to suspect that others have hostile intentions.
The researchers also found that people with power motives greatly underestimate their influence. This likely occurs because power-oriented individuals view interdependence as a direct threat to their personal control and are overly conscious of the limits of their influence. They assume that their ability to manipulate relationships is severely limited because they expect others to be manipulative.
Relationship promotion motivation refers to a person’s level of commitment and desire to maintain a relationship over the long term. Individuals with high commitment scores showed much less underestimation bias compared to other participants in the study. Because committed people prioritize teamwork over personal gain, they tend to view power as a shared resource.
As a result of this collaborative mindset, committed individuals feel less threatened by mutual compromise and are able to more accurately perceive their own influence. Although this study provides evidence of systematic biases in viewing relationship dynamics, there are some potential limitations that should be considered. The data relied entirely on self-reported questionnaires, meaning that participants’ responses could be influenced by their current mood or desire to view themselves positively.
Moreover, the scientists only investigated general feelings about relational power, rather than examining specific areas of everyday influence. People may accurately estimate their influence in certain areas, such as household finances, but underestimate their power when it comes to emotional support and physical intimacy. Samples were also taken exclusively from Western, individualistic countries such as Germany and New Zealand.
In collectivistic cultures, where social harmony is prioritized over individual control, people may further underestimate their influence. Future research should investigate how these perceptions operate in different cultural contexts and professional work settings. Workplaces have strict hierarchies, which can completely change the way people assess their influence over their colleagues and superiors.
Replicating these psychological findings in a larger sample of same-sex couples would also help confirm that these patterns apply universally to all types of romantic partnerships. By helping people realize that they have more influence than they realize, they could significantly reduce destructive relationship behaviors in the future. By understanding their true ability to influence their partners, a person may be able to replace manipulation and emotional withdrawal with open communication.
“People usually underestimate how much influence they have over their partners and friends,” Kellner told SciPost. “This tendency is even stronger among people who are highly power-motivated or feel insecure about their relationships. This is important because feeling low in power is associated with negative relationship outcomes, such as aggression, lower relationship quality, and lower sexual satisfaction.”
The study, “Biases in Power Perceptions in Close Relationships: The Role of Self-Protection, Relationship Facilitation, and Power Motives,” was authored by Robert Kellner and Nicola C. Overall.
