New research published in Journal of social and personal relationships Parents and their adult children have been shown to often share similar preferences regarding the characteristics they look for in future spouses in younger generations. This study suggests that these shared values, particularly an emphasis on economic security, are strongly associated with the type of parenting children experience as they grow up.
Choosing a life partner requires balancing personal romantic desires and family expectations, which tends to create tension between parents and children. According to evolutionary theory, adult children prefer traits associated with physical vitality and health, which are indicative of good genetic quality to ensure reproductive success.
At the same time, parents often prefer potential stepparents with resources such as financial stability and solid family backgrounds. These practical considerations will help ensure long-term security and support for your future grandchildren. These family dynamics are especially important in collectivistic cultures like China, where family harmony and respect for parents play a major role in important life decisions.
“This study was partially motivated by lived experiences among myself and my friends. When Chinese emerging adults consider long-term partners, expectations and consent from parents and family members often become part of the criteria for the decision-making process,” said study author Lu Lan Zhang, a Macau Fellow at the University of Macau.
“Sometimes parents and children agree, but other times they disagree, creating tension and uncertainty about mate selection. These everyday experiences made me interested in why some families come to an agreement while others don’t.”
“While reviewing the literature, we noticed that research on mate preferences typically focuses on either parents or adult children separately, and only average associations are reported. We wanted to examine actual parent-child relationships to capture clear patterns of agreement and mismatch. Our person-centered approach allowed us to identify these profiles and investigate how they relate to parenting styles and the quality of the parent-child relationship.”
To investigate this topic, scientists recruited 299 Chinese parents and children. The young participants were unmarried heterosexual men between the ages of 18 and 29, consisting of 183 sons and 116 daughters. They participated with mothers or fathers between the ages of 35 and 64, observing two different generations in detail.
Both generations completed a series of online surveys designed to measure their relationship priorities. Adult children reported preferences for future mates across three specific categories, often referred to as the three G’s: good genes, good resources, and good person traits. Good genes refer to physical attractiveness and health, good resources refer to earning capacity and financial security, and good human characteristics refer to personal qualities such as kindness and trustworthiness.
Parents completed the exact same assessments, but rated the importance of these traits to a potential son or daughter-in-law. Participants also answered questions about the parenting style practiced in their households and overall relationship quality, measuring feelings of intimacy and conflict. The researchers specifically measured authoritarian parenting, which balances clear guidance and warmth, and authoritarian parenting, which relies on strict rules and absolute control.
The researchers identified five different profiles of parent-child pairs using statistical methods that group people based on common characteristics. Three of these profiles showed general agreement between parents and children and accounted for the majority of the total sample. This high concordance rate suggests a strong cultural emphasis on family harmony and shared values in Chinese households.
The largest group was the Matched Resource Emphasis profile, which included almost 39 percent of the pairs surveyed. In this group, both generations value economic resources and earning capacity very highly, along with average expectations for physical health and character. Researchers found that pairs in this group tended to have lower quality relationships and experience strict, authoritarian parenting.
The second most common group was the “matching resource non-emphasis” profile, which accounted for approximately 20% of participants. Parents and children in this group prioritized personality traits and physical health, but they placed less importance on financial resources. These adult children tended to report experiencing higher levels of warm and authoritative parenting.
An additional 15% of pairs fell into the “low agreement” profile. Both generations in this group shared lower-than-average expectations for resources and physical traits, but maintained average expectations for personality traits. This profile was associated with the highest levels of relationship quality and the lowest levels of strict and controlling parenting.
“What was really surprising was how much concordance we observed between parents and adult children,” Chan said. “Based on common assumptions, mate selection is often thought of as an area where ‘traditional’ parents and young people are often at odds, especially in everyday family conversations.”
“However, our findings showed that patterns of agreement are more common than strong conflicts. This is consistent with the emphasis on harmony in Chinese families, as well as emerging evidence from Western samples showing considerable parent-child overlap in mate preferences. Together, these results suggest that intergenerational conflict over mate choice may be more subtle and less pervasive than cultural stereotypes and common sense suggest.”
The last two profiles highlight specific areas of disagreement between family members. Almost 18% of the pairs belonged to the “discordant child genetic emphasis” profile. In this group, children prioritized physical attractiveness much more than their parents, while parents placed equal importance on both physical characteristics and economic resources.
The smallest group, the “Discordant Parental Idealist” profile, comprised approximately 9 percent of the sample. Here, parents had incredibly high standards for physical and economic characteristics, but children cared little about these factors. This profile was associated with the lowest levels of relationship quality and the highest levels of strict and authoritarian parenting.
“The key point is that parents and adult children are not uniformly at odds when it comes to mate preferences,” Chan told SciPost. “In fact, in our Chinese sample, most parent-child dyads showed some degree of concordance, especially regarding practical qualities such as resources and personal characteristics.”
“At the same time, when differences emerged, such as when adult children prioritized genetic or physical characteristics over their parents. These patterns had meaningful associations with parent-child relationships. Warm, autonomy-supportive parenting and higher quality parent-child relationships were associated with more flexible and constructive patterns of agreement and disagreement, rather than simple submission and conflict.”
The researchers cautioned against assuming that parental influence is inherently positive or negative, noting that their results do not provide prescriptive guidance but rather explain observed patterns. In fact, they emphasized that conflict of ideals does not automatically indicate family problems. “One important point is that disagreements between parents and adult children about mate preferences are not necessarily dysfunctional,” Zhang explained.
“For some profiles, differences coexist with relatively high quality relationships, suggesting that autonomy and relational intimacy can coexist,” the researchers continued. Therefore, how families deal with differing opinions is important. “Our findings suggest that rather than focusing on whether parents and children agree, it may be more productive to focus on how families communicate, negotiate, and maintain respect when disagreements occur.”
The study also relied on data collected at one point in time, meaning scientists cannot determine whether parenting style directly caused a particular preference profile. This data is also culturally specific to Chinese families, where family interdependence is highly valued. The researchers note that these preference profiles may look very different in more individualistic cultures, where individual choice is highly prioritized.
To build on these early findings, scientists plan to follow families over long periods of time. “Our next step is to use longitudinal data to examine how the mate preference profiles of these parents and children change over time,” Zhang said. “This could help clarify whether family relationships form preference congruence or whether new disagreements feed back into relationship quality.”
They also hope to expand the scope of future research. “We are also interested in extending this work to other cultural contexts and incorporating additional family members such as parents and romantic partners,” added Chan.
The study, “Mate Preference Profiles in Parent-Child Dyadic Relationships: The Influence of Parenting Style and Parent-Child Relationship,” was authored by Lu Ran Zhang and Wei-Wen Chen.
